I don’t love Christmas. There, I said it and I really hope my in-laws aren’t reading this. I mentioned this to my husband once and he looked at me with genuine disgust and concern. His family, they’ve got Christmas sorted and they love it. It’s not them, it’s me. You see, I grew up in a big loud Israeli family that didn’t celebrate, and when I mentioned that my schoolmates said Santa was real, my family laughed hysterically and basically told me that my classmates were morons (pretty much in those words). So don’t blame me for my lack of Christmas cheer. As a Jew growing up in Canada, I did not go to sleep on Christmas eve or wake up on Christmas morning with anticipation of gifts and glee. Basically, I woke up on boxing day anticipating the major haul I was about to get at the local mall. I’ve come to realize that if you didn’t grow up with the childhood anticipation of Christmas gifts, Santa, the reindeer and seasonal carols you basically just don’t give AF and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of nice things about the holiday season I guess, like spiced cocktails and fatty food but if like me, that’s all you can equate with holiday cheer I’ve written a little guide to help you survive the run up without receiving a pile of crap you don’t want and without anyone knowing what a scrooge you are.
Learn How To Make Eggnog From Scratch
Bring it to work, bring it to Christmas lunch and make it multiple times before the big 12/25. No, it’s not that nasty supermarket stuff. It’s a beautiful, thick, boozy, sweet eggnog with ‘floating clouds’ made of egg whites floating in it. Have no idea what i’m talking about? Funnily enough it was my grandmother, a Hungarian Jew, that taught me how to make this. Essentially, make a creme anglaise a la Martha Stewart (but toss in some dark rum or brandy of your choice and scrape some nutmeg in or even infuse your alcohol with crushed nutmeg) and then beat the egg whites you saved from the yolks (with sugar) until they form relatively stiff peaks like for making a meringue, and then plop spoonfuls into your simmering creme anglaise and cook them lightly. I personally enjoy this delight served cold.
Write That Christmas Wishlist Nice And Early
My husband’s family are serious about gift giving, however, if they stray far from your list, you will end up with new hats, scarves and mitts each Christmas season. If like me, you only wear cashmere or have an extremely curated closet, you better reserve some space for these classic Christmas items on your list. Some years, for fear of looking greedy, I didn’t have a big enough list so a lot of gifts strayed off the list. Don’t get caught in it like I did, MAKE AN EXTENSIVE LIST and play it off like you want to reduce your waste footprint (which should be a genuine want, FYI); foodstuffs are great to put on your list for just that reason. How about that organic veg box subscription you are dying for but just can’t justify in comparison to your No Frills cheap ass bill? PUT IT ON THERE. Fancy alcohol you want but can’t afford? YES. The most expensive chocolate money can buy? YES, a subscription to amazon prime? YES YES YES. And guess what? This year you can even put weed on your list!
Buy Some Sequin Separates
I won’t be caught dead in a Christmas sweater (although one year I did succumb to a sweatshirt with Christmas Puddings where your boobs are) so wear sequins instead. Pair a ¾ length shiny skirt with a Calvin Klein sweatshirt and BAM! You are a holiday goddess and no one will guess that you are actually the grinch
Get Yourself Some Sparkly Red Lipstick
One thing I do genuinely love about Christmas time is that I can wear red lipstick with shimmer in it. I don’t know what it is about shimmer – maybe it’s that I don’t allow it to come near my makeup box for fear of looking like an idiot, or maybe the shimmer offsets and distracts from my dull and parched winter skin. I don’t know, I just know red shimmer is a good way to disguise your holiday hatred.
Do All Your Christmas Shopping Online And Do It Early
I usually have an ‘I hate Christmas’ breakdown moment when I’m looking for perfume on someone’s list in some over-crowded and over-picked department store. By then, it’s usually too late to buy my stuff online and my husband has to sit there listening to me complain about how much I hate his beloved holiday and then he gets all disappointed and let down that I just ‘don’t get Christmas.’ Take it from me, It’s MUCH easier to pretend you love Christmas if you’ve been organized and not had to drag heavy bags through crowded shops and feel like you are about to collapse
Take Up Pottery And Make People Gifts
It’s actually pretty rewarding to make someone something with your own two hands. It’s also a great way to take some revenge on smug Christmas lovers. What can they do but pretend they love it? They will have to use that wonky ceramic item all the time. That makes me pretty jolly.
Fake it ‘Till You Make It
I am a genuine believer that we are able to condition ourselves to like things. If I keep pretending to like Christmas, who knows, maybe soon I will!
(Story by Contributing Editor, Dana Dallal)